


What if we all got high on magic candy???????

by xX_J0L7_GR4PH1C_Xx



Category: The Centricide (Webseries)
Genre: Other, Trickster Mode (Homestuck)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22962484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xX_J0L7_GR4PH1C_Xx/pseuds/xX_J0L7_GR4PH1C_Xx
Summary: Ancom gets high on magic candy, then gets everyone else high.
Relationships: Leftunity, Libunity
Comments: 15
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

Ancom was walking along the roads of ques land, Land of Fog and Glitter, when que came across a lollipop. It was all wrapped up, nice and pretty. Ancom sure was hungry that time, taking off ques bandana to take a lick at it. Suddenly, Ancom felt... 

More than LIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!

Meanwhile, Authcom was traversing his land, Land of Crops and Blight, and something - No, someONE - was coming at him very fast. 

"HI COMMIE!!!!!!!" Ancom was there, with a smile on ques face and a huge lollipop in hand. "AUGH!! Ancom, you startled me!" 

"SO COMMIE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU RIGHT?????" The communist was confused. "Anarkiddie, what happened?"

"TANKIE I FOUND A MAGIC LOLLIPOP AND NOW EVERYTHINGS GREAT WE CAN GET MARRIED AND HAVE 42069 KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
"Ancom, calm down--"  
"PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE TANKIE PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASEPLEASEPLEASE. IF YOU WANT WE CAN INVITE NAZI AND ANCAP TOO IT CAN BE A FOURWAY MARRIAGE JUST THINK OF THE WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!'  
"What makes you think I like those kulaks?"

Authcom tried to wrestle the lollipop away, but was bonked on the head with it. Moments later...

"ANCOM YOURE RIGHT I WAS SO SILLY TO DECLINE I LOVE YOU TOO WE CAN BASH FASH TOGETHER AND HAVE 4306969 BABIES <3333"

To this day it is unknown how Authcom made that heart with his voice.

"TANKIE TANKIE I WANNA MARRY ANCAP TOO CAN I CAN I PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE??????"  
"YES OF COURSE ANARKITTY ANYTHING FOR YOU!!!" 

Both ideologies flew off to Ancaps land, Land of Catalysts and Pillars.

"ANCAP IM SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!!"  
"eugh, ancom, what is it?"  
"ANCAP, TANKIE AND I ARE GONNA GET MARRIED AND I WANTED TO MARRY YOU TOO! WE CAN HAVE LIB UNITY AND LEFTIST UNITY ISNT IT GREAT?????"  
"ancom, I--"  
"PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE??????????"

Ancap debated this. He certainly liked lib unity more than his 8 child wives (who had freed themselves upon SBURB starting), and whatever que was on seemed enticing. He reached for the lollipop and --

BONK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD

Ancap woke up. He felt AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

"ANCOM YOURE RIGHT THIS IS WONDERFUL!!!!!! I SHOULD CHARGE PEOPLE FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!"   
"ANCAP TANKIE LETS ALL GO GET SOMEONE TO OFFICIATE THE WEDDING!!!!!!!!"

Flying off into the horizon, the trio was about to get a wake up call.


	2. Oh no its the DEGENERATE COPS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh no authright found them :((

As ancap, in all his trickster capitalist glory, was officiating the first wedding, authright staggered in. 

"Ancap, what the hell?

Authright said a quick prayer for forgiveness.

"HI NAZI!! IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU OUT AND ABOUT!!!!! ANCOM COMMIE AND I ARE HAVING A THREE WAY MARRIAGE ON DRUGS!!!!" 

"What? Ancap, you know that's degenerate!"

Ancom chimed in with ques opinion. 

"WANNA MAKE IT A FOURWAY NAZI????? I'LL FORGET HOW HORRIBLE YOU ARE IF IT'LL HELP YOU NOT BE REPRESSED!!" 

Authright recoiled. His worst nightmare, a gay (possibly?) Threeway marriage where everyone was high in drugs and making out in public, was happening before his eyes at that very moment. He felt a bonk on his head, and his outfit changed but he felt.... 

Nothing. 

"What did you do to my outfit?????" 

Everyone else went slackjawed. Surely Nazi should be affected?? But no, drugs are too degenerate, and she shitty jokes I'm about to make later will be ruined if nazi goes trickster now. 

"WELL NAZI I GUESS YOURE NOT FEELING BERRY WELL!!" 

"Please help me" 

Ancom kicked authright out of the Threeway marriage. 

MEANWHILE WITH THE WACKIES...... 

Anprim, in the land of Sticks and Frogs, was completely botching the frog breeding process. Due to a refusal of new technology, frogs were not being bred. 

Stay fucking tuned I guess


	3. Chapter 3

The first person to snap out of it all was Authcom, due to the fact that drugs are degenerate and there would be no reason to use drugs in a communist utopia. 

"HEY COMMIE YOU'RE NOT LOOKIN'SO-"

Communist ran off, never to be seen again. There was a silence between the libs, who then partied like hell. 

Commie ran off to Authright.

"Nazi, you're right, drugs ARE degenerate. I lost my anarkitty to them..."

"Commie, now is not the time. I am mercilessly gunning down imps and stealing their grist."

Commie immediately joined him, and the pair reveled in the amount of bloodshed they could do as long as they depersonified the imps, which are technically just game constructs. 

Meanwhile the libs were having a drug fueled party-marriage, for tax benefits and love and also the free market. I don't want to say what's happening beyond drugs, kissing, and a rabid mammal devouring members of the crowd, who are all zilly-fied imps. The pair got zilly grist, and it looked something like [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmB_l1Tw_pM), but with the libertarians instead of some random kids from some comic. What the fucks a homestuck? Shitty yet fun comics aside, they made many shitty things.

BEHOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE WONDERFUL, MAGICAL, FANTASTICAL:

MCZILLY GUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!©™®!!!!!!!!! This MAGICAL gun works when you put REAL ZILLY BUCKS©™® into it and it MAGICALLY MAKES BULLETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOWWEE EVERYBODY NEEDS THIS FUCKING MCZILLY GUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!©™®

Both libertarians are VERY PROUD of their efforts to make this beautiful gun. This gun is the true pinnacle of humanity. Of course, they make a second one, and go gather some more zilly grist to make more stupid stuff. 

While I draw the visuals for these very silly things, the authoritarians are busy gunning down orcs and imps and other shit. I'd say it's badass but I'm an anarchist so I can't really give you an idea of........ _authoritarianism._ Anyway while commie and nazi do this everyone else is busy doing something else. Everyone knows you always need more grist, though, right?????????????? Anyway, eventually commie and nazi meet up with posadist and hoppean, because screw what the plot was about before. Fuck marriage, we have important shit!!!!!!!!

NAZI: So are we actually going to do anything right here?

COMMIE: what do you mean?

POSADIST: Some of us are leftists. I'm pretty content with how this is turning out. 

NAZI: That's because the world ended. 

POSADIST: Yes, and it was great. 

NAZI: anyway, I as a character am about to be extremely butchered by a shitty fanfic writer, and so are all of you. Prepare to meet your ends as serious characters as these fuckwit degenerates doom us all to a life of porn. 

COMMIE: Wait, didn't the author delete his porn fic because he was worried about that?

NAZI: we don't talk about that. Anyway, I'm planning on everybody god tiering. Commie, you finish up your quests, then you'll shoot me on my deathbed as I ascend to godhood. I'll figure out everyone else later. 

POSADIST: I'll do it on my own. 

Posadist then leaves the conversation, never to return. 

HOPPEAN: Just use helicopters, you fucking statists. 

NAZI: Very funny, hoppean. 

Anyway I'm too fucking tired to write anything else stay tuned I guess fuck all of you


	4. chapter??????? What chapter????????????

fuck you fuck you uck you fuck you 

Ancap and ancom aren't high anymore. Authcom is helping anprim breed the frogs and wowee the frog is a universe now and wow these assorted assholes™ are done

fuck you im done with this fanfiction now go read something better idk


	5. an epilouge for the educated

Ancap had his own personal, privatized planet now. The citizens were modified to be able to survive the harsh, barren conditions. He was on his way to his office, floating just above the ground, when he heard a--

KABOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ancap was worried. He invested a lot of time in his personal, privatized planet. Outside, Posadist was cackling like a maniac, allowing radiation-resistant vines to grow over the factories he nuked. Ugh, this again, even crusaders from the holy war. Posadist knew he would find a new planet, with new inhabitants, so why did he keep doing this? So early in the morning as well. Posadist looked at Ancap, eyes wide. "well, well, well, look who's here?" Ancap shook his head. "Ugh. You. Get off of my property." "And what makes you think you can keep it?" "Because It's MINE, not the states'." "What stops me from saying something is my private property, then?" "If it's someone elses' property." "What defines that?" "Stop asking useless questions. Leave or I'm calling my private police!" "Why? You know they can't kill me. We are gods now, Ancap. There is nothing you can do except kill me yourself. And even then, like the last few times, me or you or both of us will rise again. Why Try?" Ancap swallowed, nervous. "What do you want?" Posadist cackled again. "Well, life as a god is boring. I already have my communist planets. They''re doing quite well actually." "And?" "Entertainment. Oh, and by the way, I violated your precious NAP. Why don't you aggress?" "Because your powers are different than mine and I don't feel comfortable with mind control!" "So slavery and child wives are on the table, but mind control isn't?" "SHUT UP!" Tears welled in Ancaps' eyes, and his voice grew tense. A figure grabbed his shoulder and he turned around. "ANCOM?" Ancom nodded, a glowing halo around ques head from god tier. Ancap had slightly glowing eyes from god tiering instead. "Ancap, posadist, calm down. Ancap, you need to stop exploiting workers. Posadist, get off my boyfriend's dick." "I'm not on his dick ancom!" "well sometimes it makes me think you want to be!" "DONT TALK ABOUT ME WITHOUT INCLUDING ME IN THE CONVERSATION!"   
After a few moments of yelling like this, Posadist got annoyed and flew off. But after ancap and ancom left to find a new planet, ancap would notice a symbol that had been nuked onto his private planet. 

<3<


	6. Ah yes, horny rivalry.

Ancap knew that symbol. He had read the entirety of homestuck to capitalize on its popularity, and it made sense posadist would use an alien romance system. To be fair, ancap had always wanted to hateflirt with an alien after learning the concept, and decided this would be his chance to get back at posadist in a less harmful way. Instead of violating the NAP, ancap sent very, very well-paid spies to mess with posadists' nuke factories. The fact the spies were getting wealthy was a byproduct of them only getting paid in a currency that increases in value over time, which pissed posadist off even more. Why need money? Posadist eventually confronted ancap, again, who was sitting in his office in a luxurious gamer chair lined with only the finest of alchemized gold. "Hey, Ancap, what are you doing?" Candles were lit and his chair was turned to the back of the room, which had quite the view. Ancap swung his Chair dramatically. "Isn't it obvious Posadist? I am flirting back. It's quite subtle, isn't it?" Ancap lifted his glassed and winked. "Dude, I was expecting aggression back." "Fuck you, I'm not violating the NAP." Posadist punched ancap in the face, sending his glasses flying. "Violate THIS non-aggression policy, you rich bastard!" Ancap swung back, turning into an all-put brawl in a fancy office lit with (now revealed to be fake) candles. Strangely, neither ideology used his god teir powers even though that would have made it way easier. "Posadist, call it off." Posadist stopped mid-punch and sat down. "You okay?" "What the hell? You beat me up then act like you care?" "If I beat you up too badly, I can't beat you up again." "Fair point." Posadist waved an alien arm, then left the office, leaving a very confused ancap to try and work out this new kismessitude thing. 


	7. In a galaxy far far away, full of bad ocs and authoritarians

Communist and Homofash ran a joint government exiling all straight people. A naked twin messanger ran in. "Your gloriousnesses! A far away visitor came to visit!" "Let him in, honey." In stepped a catboy with rainbow hair, styled to look as scene as possible as his Kandi bracelets jingled. He had anprim joined to him at his waist. The authoritarians tensed up in fear. "HAI GUYS XD I'M CLANCLANISM TEH BEST IDEOLOGY X333 AND I HAZ CUM TO MAKE TEH PEACE WITH COOKEHZ!!" Anprim, later to be revealed as Clanclanisms palemate, grumbled. "Grug with clanclanism to worship star god and hunt for food, ooga booga!" Homofash laughed, trying to cover up nervousness. "Hah, you, leaders? You're weak." "I AM NOT WEEK DX STARCLAN PUNISH DIS LOSR!!!" "Star god punish homofash!" "ANYWAY SE CUMZ TEW DA GAY KINGDOM FOR TEH ALLIANCE WIF DA GAYZ!" "excuse me, but you know we take ALL comerades of the stripes of not-straight, da?" "YES WE KNOW DAT X333 MOST OF US R BI BUT WE HAVE OTHER TEW MAKES IT MORE FUN X3" "I call it a deal. Send in your sexiest catboy as a messanger." "WE HAVE [A HAWT BOY WE KNOW ULL LIKE CUZ HE'S ARYAN XD LAWLZ UR RACIST HUH THAT'S MEAN BUT WHATEVS WE NEED R ALLIANCES RITE???"](https://www.wattpad.com/story/45867320-hawktalon%27s-journey-a-twisted-warrior-cat%27s-tail) "Thanks, boo." "NO PROBS DAS WHAT ALLIEZ R 4 XD" Homofash and commie untensed as clanclanism left the room. Clanclanism was an ideology they had no idea existed or any idea that they pulled in, but was somehow a very powerful lord of heart, breaking every known rule of reality in order to exist. Clanclanism was on par with senatorialism, and as such, they made an alliance that rivaled the wacky ideologies: 

The unknown ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I hate myself for this Mary sue. Stay tuned.


	8. Chapter 8

This is it. This is the worst shipping chart to befall humanity. Your worst of foes will scream in terror, but so will you. The full nature of this chart can never REALLY be comprehended, can it? You shout into the void. There is no mercy. For the uninitiated, 

The problem is that when the subject of troll romance is broached, our sparing human intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable. But we will do our best to understand regardless. Humans have only one form of romance. And though we consider it a complicated subject, spanning a wide range of emotions, social conventions, and implications for reproduction, it is ultimately a superficial slice of what trolls consider the full body of romantic experience. Our concept of romance, in spite of its capacity to fill our art and literature and to rule our individual destinies like little else, is still just that. A single, linear concept. A concept usually denoted by a single symbol. <3 Troll romance is more complicated than that. Troll romance needs four symbols. Their understanding of romance is divided into halves, and halved again, producing four quadrants: the FLUSHED QUADRANT, the CALIGINOUS QUADRANT, the PALE QUADRANT, and the ASHEN QUADRANT. Each quadrant is grouped by the half they share, whether horizontally or vertically, depending on the overlapping properties one examines. The sharpest dichotomy, from an emotional perspective, is drawn between RED ROMANCE and BLACK ROMANCE. RED ROMANCE, comprised of the flushed and pale quadrants, is a form of romance rooted in strongly positive emotions. BLACK ROMANCE, with its caliginous and ashen quadrants, is rooted in the strongly negative. On the other hand, the vertical bifurcation has to do with the purpose of the relationship, regardless of the emotions behind it. Those quadrants which are CONCUPISCENT, the flushed and caliginous, have to do with facilitating the elaborate reproductive cycle of trolls. Those which are CONCILIATORY, the pale and ashen, would be more closely likened to platonic relationships by human standards. There are many parallels between human relationships and the various facets of troll romance. Humans have words to describe relationships of a negative nature, or of a platonic nature. The difference is, for humans, those relationships would never be conceptually grouped with romance. Establishing those sort of relationships for humans is not driven by the same primal forces that drive our tendency to couple romantically. But for trolls, those primal forces involve themselves in the full palette of these relationships, red or black, torrid or friendly.Trolls typically feel strongly compelled to find balance in each quadrant, and seek gratifying relationships that each describes. The challenge is particularly tortuous for young trolls, who must reconcile the wide range of contradictory emotions associated with this matrix, while understanding the nature of their various romantic urges for the first time. Of course, young humans have this challenge too. But for trolls, the challenge is fourfold. When two individuals find themselves in the flushed quadrant together, they are said to be MATESPRITS. Matespritship is the closest parallel to the human concept of romance trolls have. It plays a role in the trolls' reproductive cycle, just as it does for humans. This is pretty obvious! Not much more needs to be said about this. Moving right along. When a pair of adversaries delve into this quadrant, they become each other's KISMESIS. As one of the concupiscent quadrants, it plays a role in procreation as well. There is no particularly good human translation for this concept. The closest would be an especially potent arch-sometimes, two companies are rivals and one adds new products to their line. For instance, human players would never be able to adequately diagnose the relationship between the queen and her archagent. But troll players could immediately place it as a dead ringer for kismesissitude. They would think we were all pretty stupid for not getting it. And they would be right. Trolls have a complicated reproductive cycle. It's probably best not to examine it in much detail. The need to seek out concupiscent partners comes with more urgency than typical reproductive instincts. When the IMPERIAL DRONE comes knocking, you had better be able to supply genetic material to each of his FILIAL PAILS. If you have nothing to offer, he will kill you without hesitation. The genetic material - WITHOUT GOING INTO MUCH DETAIL - is a combinative genetic mix from the matesprit and kismesis pairs, respectively. The pails are all offered to the mother grub, who can only receive such precombined material. She then combines all of it into one incestuous slurry, and begins her brooding. This doesn't mean the initial combination was for naught, however. In the slurry, more dominant genes rise to the fore, while the more recessive find less representation in the brood. Especially strong matesprit and kismesis pairings yield more dominant genetic material. The more powerful the complement or potent the sometimes, two companies are rivals and one adds new products to their line, the more dominant the genes. TROLL REPRODUCTION SURE IS WEIRD. We all take a moment to lament how pedestrian the human reproductive system is, and further lament that the phrase "incestuous slurry" is not a feature of common parlance in human civilization. This quadrant involves a particular type of three-way relationship of a black romantic nature. Falling on the conciliatory side, it has no bearing on the reproductive cycle, except for indirect ramifications. When two trolls are locked in a feud or some otherwise contentious relationship, one can intervene and become their AUSPISTICE. The auspistice mediates between the two, playing the role of a peace keeper, preventing the feud from boiling over into a fully caliginous sometimes, two companies are rivals and one adds new products to their line. Since such lesser feuds are quite common among trolls, there is a significant need for auspisticing parties. Without them, too many ashen feuds would become caliginous, and begin to conflict with other exclusive kismesis relationships, leading to a great deal of social complexity and sore feelings (even more so than black romance usually involves). Without auspisticism, the result would be widespread black infidelity. The relationships each quadrant describes tend to be malleable, if not volatile, especially on the concupiscent half where more torrid emotions reside. It doesn't take much to flip a switch and transmute blackrom feelings to redrom, and vice versa. In many cases, one party will have red feelings while the other has black. But it will often be the case that one party's feelings will swap to match the other's, since there is no quadrant which naturally accommodates such a disparity. But thereafter, it's not uncommon for the two to toggle between red and black in unison now and then. These scenarios naturally result in both red and black infidelities that. This sort of relationship volatility is why conciliatory relationships are an important part of troll romance. An auspistice can stabilize particularly turbulent relationships. If the auspistice fails to mediate properly, or has no interest in the role, or perhaps has different romantic intentions him/herself altogether, then the relationship often quickly deteriorates into one of an especially hostile and torrid nature.There are many outside factors and influences tugging and pulling these relationships in different directions, and unlike humans who have very orderly, simple, straightforward romantic relationships without exception, trolls exist in a state of almost perpetual confusion and generally have no idea what the hell is going on. Being confused by troll relationships is one thing we do have in common though. This quadrant presides over MOIRALLEGIENCE, the other conciliatory relationship. A reasonable human translation would be the concept of a soul mate, but in a more platonic sense, and with a more specific social purpose. Trolls are a very angry and violent race. Some are more hot-tempered and dangerous than others, to the extent that if left to their own devices, they would present a serious threat to society, or even to themselves. Such trolls will have an instinctive pale attraction to a more even-tempered troll, who may become their MOIRAIL. The moirail is obliged to pacify the other, to function as the better half. The two partners in a strong pale relationship will serve to balance and complement each other's emotional profiles, and thus allow their other relationships to be more successful. It's often ambiguous especially among young trolls whether a bond formed between an acquaintance is true moirallegence, or the usual variety of platonic involvement. Furthermore, the romantic intentions of a more flushed nature can often be mistaken for paler leanings, much to the frustration of the suitor. But some pale pairings, as the one above, will be strikingly obvious to all who know them. God you just can't get enough of this can you! That would have been a great point for a transition out of this illustrated sociological study, but ok, if you insist. Now see, what's going on here is... It's perfectly simple. When the full matrix of troll romance is in action, we have... uh... Hey, why don't you figure it out! You should be an expert on all this by now anyway. Later our troll hero would try to explain this to our human hero, attempting to convey all the nuance of troll romance through a nearly verbatim recitation of the preceding excerpts. He would try to describe how rich and textured the troll romantic comedies were compared to the one dimensional schlock of our human cinematic counterparts. He would barely scratch the surface of Troll Will Smith's virtuosity with the delicate lattice of troll romance, as he would assist the bumbling fudgeblooded Troll Kevin James through the interwoven minefield-briarpatch of redrom and blackrom entanglements, all the while sifting through his own prickly romantic situation and ultimately learning the true meaning of hate and pity.But would they succeed before the imperial drone came knocking with his thirsty pails at the ready??? Yes, they would. But John didn't understand any of this because he's a moron, and he wouldn't shut up about his awful bullshit Earth movies. He would just go on and on and on about that garbage. But if there was one theme to be hammered through his thick skull, it would be the trolls' cultural preoccupation with romantic destiny. Yes, the romantic landscape is rife with false starts and miscues and infidelities that, red and black. But every troll believes strongly that each quadrant holds one and only one true pairing for them, and it is just a matter of time before the grid is filled with auspicious matchups through the mysterious channels of TROLL SERENDIPITY. In short, their belief is that for each quadrant there exists a pair or triad of trolls somewhere in the cosmos that were... MADE FOR EACH OTHER.

As you can see, Ancap is flushed for ancom, however ancom is vacilliating Pale, red, and pitch for ancap in a dizzying flurry of emotions. Clanclanism is red AND pale for Anprim, who just wants a stable pale romance. Ancap and Posadist are already pitch as tar for one another, so ancom might ruin it. They don't have an auspitice yet though. Guess who has to remedy that? It's a lot less complicated when someone explains it for you, huh?


	9. 420 hits guyssssssssssssssssssssssssssfdsyi gwuedaitrhewulrhfueifhguewlhtgfu4i

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im writein this while durnck............................ heheheheh <33333333

SO posadism anfd ancap had some sexy h8 makeouts and fthen they kissed "I fuckgin heratet you" said ancap and then psotaditst said "IO hate u t3233 ans ap" and then clanscalnism burst in like "whtas up you fickin bastareds im taking over the rest of the universeresserzse atkfjkl;gkre;hg ranytat"\

so calnclanism took over the un overse and they all diest cd the endXD 

hahahahahhahaahha <3<  
u know who u r


End file.
